to the mother i never knew

05/19/2023

*this is a belated gotcha day/mother's day post*

to the mother i never knew:

hi hello. you don't know me and you might not think of me anymore. but i think of you. i think about having a mother that looks like me, connected through blood and centuries of history. i think about buying groceries with you and walking around parks with you and cooking family recipes with you. i think about loosing a language i didn't even get the chance to learn. i think about the hometown that i never grew up calling home. i think about whether you would recognize me today and accept me for who i have become. this process, my adoption, has been difficult to say the least. i don't speak with my adoptive family anymore and i am often left wondering about the what if's, grieving a life that was never mine.

these thoughts bring me sadness and a feeling of loss so deep that i can't ever find the end. however, i do not wish this on you.

i hope that your life is full of happiness and joy. i hope that you are surrounded by people that care for you and understand you. i hope that you think of me sometimes and that perhaps you do feel some residual sorrow, but i mostly hope that you feel you made the right choice. i hope that it was your choice.

i wish i had been able to get to know you. i wish you had been able to get to know me. however, wishes are for pennies and frogs. and so, i really just write words for the universe instead of the mother i never knew.