~gender? that's crazy!~

06/28/2023

waghh hello! it seems as though i have reached right about the 2 month mark of being on testosterone! i'm going to use this space to give updates on how that's going as well as loosely related things as i see fit. and just a forewarning, bottom growth/libido is something that talked about - you can just skip that section if you need to.

~feeling things...more!~
i think the most prominent thing that i have noticed is that i feel a lot more. i don't quite know how to describe it. before, sure i felt...things???? i felt what i considered a normal array of emotions. but perhaps that was a false observation. i feel like everything is a lot more intense now - the joys, sadness, anxiety, enthusiasm, attraction - that all seems to be amplified. on the one hand, it is nice to feel the things and to feel so strongly, but, on the other hand, i feel like i'm going slightly nuts. before, i was able to contain the feelings to just the wormy soup in my brain - sure it was sticky and swirly and messy in there but it was something contained, and that felt more manageable. now, it feels like things are spilling over, showing up, getting messier. perhaps what i am experiencing is actually how most people go about life. perhaps this is what it means to be ~in touch with your emotions~ and all that. but it is a new experience and kinda scary. but that is okay. i am feeling the things, taking long visits to the park, and trying to remember that it is okay, maybe even very expected, to be human.

~voice things~
a more recent change has been voice changes! this was one of the things that i've been looking forward to since starting t. my voice has definitely not *dropped* but the most significant change i've seen is in my singing voice. way back when i was in choir in high school, my vocal range was about G3 to A6? something like that. mezzo soprano. earlier this year, pre-t, i noticed that my vocal range was naturally kinda wiggling down a bit - i could sing perhaps from E3 to F5? just this past week though higher notes are ~disappearing~, and i can sing a lower. i haven't measured where my range is currently because some of those holes don't stay there and my lower range is still questionable, but something is definitely happening! singing in my upper register is weird! i know where the notes should be, but i get one of four results when trying to vocalize them - 1. it works, yay. 2. nothing happens, just air lol. 3. a random-ass nearby note comes out instead 4. voice crack goose honk. i can't tell if it is the air support, volume, luck, etc. that determines that outcome, but i shall keep experimenting. i have been feeling a bit self conscious about how my singing voice is changing - i truly love to sing. what was once very reliable is now feeling like a game of chance. but i know things will level out at some point. i am interested to see what happens here on out with my singing voice. i seem to still have relatively good control over my lower register, so that is a good sign! i would like to see if i can maintain at least some of my upper register ^.^ it is fun to sing in the atmosphere! but we shall see! for my normal speaking voice, i don't think it has moved much, if at all, but i definitely seem to be speaking from my chest a bit more. and my throat just feels weird while talking and has for a couple of weeks.

~bottom growth/libido things~
another thing i have noticed is bottom growth/libido changes. before t, i felt very neutral about both. no strong feelings about bottom growth and honestly didn't really know what to expect about libido changes and didn't give it much thought. lols how silly. both started within the first week of starting t and have persisted XD. now that i'm two months in, i definitely have different feelings about both. for bottom growth, from like a science-background perspective - that is very cool. who would have known my body was capable of doing that! i don't currently have any intention of pursuing bottom surgery - i am pretty a-okay with what i've got down there, BUT it is quite nice/affirming to have *something* there, ya know? how neat. for libido, oml. wtf. people really just...walk around like this huh? that's nuts. real nuts. before t, i would describe my libido as pretty dang low, like only get ~aroused~ like once a month, if that. now? nOw? urgh. well it's somewhat subsided in comparison to the first two-ish weeks in that, rather than being literally constant background noise, it is like hmmm that's a thing i will feel randomly multiple times a day. alrighty then. i'm not mad about it. it is uhhh also a neat thing that i didn't know my body was capable of, but damn. new, intriguing for sure; but also like seriously???? people all around have just been experiencing this??? that's crazy! oh to experience ~teenage horniness~ in your 20s. lovely. i have greater sympathy for people everywhere.

~embracing femininity~
an unexpected turn of events over the past couple of weeks! i have started to feel a whole lot more comfortable, dare i say affirmed!, by embracing femininity. i think a lot of it has do with the fact that the above discussed changes are happening. i feel a lot more secure in my identity and that has given me a larger sense of freedom in gender expression.

i think with ~coming into femininity, part 2 - nonbinary/transmasc-ish edition~, i also don't have other people directly in my life telling me how to/not to do things and making me feel bad about wanting to do things a certain way. perhaps an example would help - in the later part of high school, i liked how eyeshadow and lipstick looked - i just wanted to wear sparkly eyeshadow and a slightly pinkish creamy lipstick. but my darling sister said if were to do that, i'd need to do foundation, and eyebrows, and contour, and ______. with all of that, i felt very uncomfortable - like i was dressing up but like in a clown way. what was so wrong with a bit of sparkle and slightly pink lips D:? i tried to do it her way, felt uncomfortable in the process, and eventually turned away from it all for good. but now >.> mwahahahhahha it is indeed quite fun! i do, however, want to figure out how eyeliner works. i never really cracked the code to navigating a monolid. ^.^

i've also been updating my wardrobe! i've got a good set of cargo shorts/t-shirts/button downs, but what about some skirts? crop tops? crocheted things? it has been really nice to be able to kinda go back and forth with how i present in the world. i feel a whole hell of a lot more comfortable in both masculinity and femininity compared to past me. a whole hell of a lot more confidant in my body, curves and all. and perhaps that is showing up in being a bit more adventurous when it comes to style. how exciting!

~gender? that's crazy!~
over all, starting testosterone has been the right decision! what an exciting two months, and i look forward to seeing where the future takes me. i think i'm still pondering the labels, categories, and things when it comes to gender. nonbinary? yes, of course. transmasc? yes..., but also hmmmmmm. idk. i definitely don't feel aligned to anything in a binary way. and if i were to place myself on a two dimensional scale of gender things ~of course knowing that is not really an accurate representation of the complexity of gender~, i would definitely place myself closer to masculine than feminine, again when it comes to gender. but i'm also wondering, if i'm getting wiggly with presentation, does that change gender things? i know it doesn't have to but mayhaps it could? hmmmm i fear this has turned into brain soup. but no matter. i don't care that much about the accuracy of labels as, for me, they are just there to help communicate my experience and connect with others, not to be the end-all be-all.

congratulations if you have made it to the end of this! thanks for sticking with me <3!