~dreams~

07/02/2023

i still dream of my family. mundane conversations, arguments unsettled, situations that never happened but could have, past dreams of my childhood, the possibility of them going out of their way to find me. i don't want to be found.

i don't remember exactly what i dreamt of last night, but i know i was stressed, and there was yelling, and i had barricaded myself in my room. but the funny thing is, i woke up. i woke up to the sight of my door that leads into an apartment where they are not. i woke up to a roof over my head that they did not pay for. i woke up in a city that i think i can call home. i woke in a "home" that i can call home. i woke up and recognized that their impact is still here. it still follows me everyday, affects how i respond to friends, to society, to the sound of doors opening and the choking tension of car frustration and the impending doom of an argument and the feeling that every straw is the final one...

but they aren't here. i am. i am here. and i am so grateful to be able to keep going. i am healing and emdr-ing and finding my footing and finding my place in this world and finding the people that make me feel alive. i am alive. and that is a beautiful thing (lols).

sometimes, i wonder if i did the right thing. orphaned by one, estranged by another, just how many families can one loose? but at the end of the day, i did it for me. and i would do it again.

below is a lil poem thing that i word-vomited when i woke up this morning.

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~dreams~
i woke up and realized that my parents' anger cannot reach me here.
their words live on in my dreams and memories,
the voices from ghosts of the past,
neurons firing, alerting me of danger that no longer exists,
an imprint in the sand of my mind.
but that is all that they are.
at some point, the tide will rise again,
washing away the lingering hitch in my throat, tightening of my chest.
my dreams will be my own
and i will be free.
until then, i will lift my eyes to the sky
and honor the enormity of this world.
i may still be untangling the great mess of my mind,
but i am healing and growing and surviving
and that is enough.

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