~i've entered nonprofit hell~

07/27/2023

ughghhghghgh so i'm about two weeks into a new position at the ~education nonprofit~ that i've been working at for the past year, and i fear i have entered into the belly of the beast. i have entered nonprofit hell. **this is not a cry for help lol the position is fine, the work is fine and will likely become more interesting as we get further into the role and gain more autonomy and actually start *doing* things BUT i have so many thoughts about this organization and the role and i feel the need to release these frustrations from the safety of the internet lol. this is all very dramatic because it can be lol.

in this new role, i have essentially started working closer/in conjunction with the fundraising team for this big-ole nonprofit rather than working directly within education on the day-to-day. and there are just some aspects of this position and organization that make my blood boil and effectively loose a few brain cells in an attempt to keep the internal peace. in an introductory meeting between my peers and the fundraising team, i asked them how they ensure that both current and new donors' (specifically corporate donors) values are in alignment with those of the organization AND how they determine when/if it is time to part ways. i feel like this is a very valid question to ask, particularly if your organization partners with some major corporations for funding. and i *knew* that their response would be frustrating and indirect and incredibly unsatisfying. but you know i *had* to ask - for the sake of my own sanity, as a temperature check for just how lost we could be, for my own curiosity. most of all, for my need to make it clear that i *am* thinking about these things, i *do* care about values alignment in my work and in the organization that i am a part of, AND i will be asking critical questions over the course of this year. i hope that by asking these things, i can at the very least communicate that THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT so that those who are more removed from the work are able to be brought a least a little bit down to earth.

anyways, their response was, as i said, frustrating, indirect, and incredibly unsatisfying LOL. for one, i was told that they have conversations with potential corporate donors and do not partner with those that cause "active negative harm," such as involvement in industries like alcohol, tobacco, etc. for example, they parted ways with a company because they did not want to contribute to the prison industrial complex...as an EDUCATION nonprofit, i would surely fucking hope not, no shit sherlock lmao. and the concept of determining the meaning of ~"active negative harm"~ is so incredibly gutless and subjective and tragically shortsighted, especially knowing how the communities we serve may be directly affected by the actions of these corporations and their leaders. oh to be working for a nonprofit that touts its partnership with a corporation whose workforce is currently striking due to unfair and unlivable wages.

additionally, this meeting framed my team's work as being a product that is sold to these corporations as a feel good activity and as a way for this nonprofit to gain funding to support the work that the majority of our on-the-ground people do working directly in schools. meanwhile, my direct leadership has been framing this work as a way to create a warm and inclusive learning environment that helps to indirectly facilitate the creation of a positive learning experience for students and staff with lasting impact. lol. so you can see how this messaging can be conflicting XD.

now from my pov, i think the first take for our lovely fundraising team is a load of shit, as i don't have any particular interest in licking the boots of CEOs and other corporate people. *surely*, if a corporation TRULY believed in the values of our organization and they themselves were altruistically pursing this partnership, they wouldn't NEED to have a feel good experience to photograph their teams ~making a difference in the community.~surely~, my team wouldn't have to be told repeatedly to bring it to higher ups if these corporate people ever say something to us that we find to be offensive/degrading/harmful because they DO value our experience want to make sure they are taking care of us as we coordinate and orchestrate these projects. SURELY these corporate people would share our values enough not to fall into -phobic/-ist traps right??? surrrrely we wouldn't be intentionally be put into situations where we and the communities we serve would be microaggressed right?????? *sigh*

lol now for the second, more idealistic perspective, i understand it and see it and have heard it first hand from school staff. but it also pales in comparison to the other work this organization does. i am greatly appreciative of the material benefits that this position provides me in contrast to my previous position, but i feel so far removed from the truly meaningful work. these benefits are misplaced; it feels like a betrayal to those i know are DOING THE THING. on the thought of the value of this work, i think that perhaps i have more thinking to do on the value of accessible art - regardless of financial wealth, art should be accessible to all. our students and staff deserve to have pretty things. they deserve to have an environment that brings joy and brightness. will a mural do that for all people? probably not. but if it impacts someone, anyone, perhaps that is enough. more thinking to do indeed.

at the end of the day, though, i can see the many different ways that i can grow professionally in this position and use this position to get me where i want to go next (even if i have NO IDEA what that next thing is). i think it is important for me to be able to have space to critically think and critique the work and organizations and structures and systems that i am involved in. within the workspace, i *must* be able to connect my work with my passion and values, and, in doing so, i must be able to think about the hard things and embrace the frustration that comes with existing in a fatally flawed society. perhaps if this kind of ~rumination~ is NOT happening, i will know that i am not in the right place.