~holidays: grasping at memories and making plans for that thing i drag behind me~


this post was inspired by @inkedskin on tumblr.

i recently had a dream about the holidays. my family was sitting around the christmas tree opening presents. everyone in their pjs, i had my fuzzy socks on. my sister put reindeer ears on the dog who immediately pawed them off. holiday memories of salmon bagels, martinellis, and yule log recordings. my father was always happiest around christmas, so it became my favorite holiday (it isn't anymore). the family could breathe a little easier when the lights and aluminum tree came out.

i know all of these things as fact. i remember that these moments, these beats of time did happen. but it just doesn't fit in with the rest of my memories. i don't recall the last holiday that didn't result in screaming or crying or slammed doors or my father leaving for hours at night in a drunken rage. i don't remember the last holiday that didn't feature taut smiles or silencing glances or that feeling when your words bubble up in your throat but you can't speak for one reason or another.

did the warm memories even happen? was it real? they slip through my fingers like water as i grasp the more tangible sadness and fear of that house. i find myself missing something i don't even know truly existed.

now we are in the present.

i've spent holidays alone before - through college or simply by personal choice. but this year, i am truly alone. i am not exactly sure what to do with myself.

do i try and celebrate alone? get the thanksgiving ingredients - make that green bean casserole and sweet potato casserole for one? that seems depressing.

do i get a hotel in a different city and hope the novelty of being somewhere new maybe somewhere fancy is louder than my loneliness for a few days? that seems excessive and silly and like i'd probably just be sad but in a new place and minus a few hundred dollars.

do i just go on as normal ignoring the holidays all together? i don't think i'm that good a pretending...

i just don't know what to do with myself and my sadness. i think i need a plan. i need to put something together for myself so i don't just end up nursing my bedroom floor alcohol. but i'm just so fucking tired. the impending questions of holiday plans from coworkers and friends are coming so fast and i am just. not. ready. it feels like there isn't enough space for my grief (ever but particularly during the holidays). i drag it behind me like a dead body and try to hide its grotesque sight and stench with smiles and laughter plastered across my face. for the love of god don't look at this thing PLEASE. but also shit, yall see it too right? i'm not making it all up? it exists? surely someone can see it too? please see me. please...

lol anyways.

if anyone has advice on what the fuck to do with your self during the holidays alone, pls let me know. my dm's on discord are open @jwumbus :)